Have you ever looked at your life and realized: "This is not at all what I had planned."?
This just happened to me. I thought, "How did I get here, and where am I going??" Such a strange revelation of life. So strong and powerful. I feel overwhelmed and consumed.
I looked down and saw them sleeping, so peaceful, and I wondered if they had ever wondered the same thing. I looked at the picture on my phone of him and me, and wondered where we are going...where will we be in 5 years, 10, 15, 20...together or as far apart as the world will lead us? Im so uncertain but yet so peaceful. The Lord is so full of mercy and grace. So full of redemption and revelations and restoration. He is so good and I dont deserve it. Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I struggled with the words: "Jesus....forgive me. Forgive me for all the things Ive done when I shouldnt have, listened to things I shouldnt have, looked at things I shouldnt have..."
How did I get here? What has pushed me to this point?
Somewhere I missed the train and if I dont jump on soon I could miss it...

I also had this very strange feeling suddenly that this was my last night on earth. It could have been a sort of wake up call but...I dont exactly know how to describe it. For the first time in my life I felt like I was really going to die, on this night, October 17th, 2009. And I was scared...I AM scared. Its a weird feeling, the feeling that your going to die. That for some reason Im being called home...
That tomorrow for me no longer exists.

I cant tell you how many times I have cried, bawled, WEPT, and told the Lord that I wanted to get things right and the next day I wake up, forget to read my bible, and live one more day for myself. Doing, thinking, seeing, listening to things I never dreamed of myself doing, thinking, seeing, or listening to. I always used to think about the future when i was little, and none of this, NONE of this, was things I had dreamt of. I feel like I cant ask for help because all the strong, solid christians are too busy, or to be completely honest, dont care at all. I have tried to talk to people and it seems like they listen to me for 5 minutes and then change the subject and start talking about themselves. But then when I dont talk, when I keep it all in, I feel like Im going to explode and then people wonder why I dont talk. Why I have closed myself off to everything and everyone. Its so hard to find a balance...

Its so hard for me to believe people care and want to help me and are willing to listen.

My mind began to race and my sight began to blur with the tears welling in my eyes and I slowly read over and over the text he had just sent me. Everything became suddenly surreal as the words sunk in: "Don't f*cking talk to me again, Im sick of you, just leave me alone!" I began to sob and my car veered off the road and back on as my sight became increasingly blurry. My salty tears rapidly ran down my dry cheeks as I looked for a place to pull my car over. After holding these tears in for so long I knew this was the meltdown. It was time to let it out. I was alone and for a moment I didnt care about people, schedules, expectations, or anything of the like. I pulled my car over on the side of the road, slammed on my brakes, put it in park, and let go of everything. I sobbed, wept, cried, bawled. I couldnt help but read it again. Whatever went wrong? He was my best guy and I loved him. I sat there on the side of the road, screaming and weeping "Why?" "Where are you Jesus? I need you more than I ever have, where are you?" and as I gripped the door handle "I dont want to do anything stupid! Stop me from doing something stupid please!" Thoughts raced through my mind of jumping out of my car and jumping in front of the next car that drove by. I imagined the looks of horror, the blood and guts, the despair, and slowly my hand's grip started to loosen as everything around me began to sink and fall farther and father away from me. My sight started to tunnel and everything became dark as I slipped slowly out of consciousness. I had never cried so hard. I was falling asleep, passing out, dying, something. I didnt know what the black was but I embraced it. It was escape. I came back to reality and I was still in my car, still on the side of the road, with tear stained cheeks and a heaving chest as the pain came back. Suddenly my heart felt like it was 10 pounds. It was heavy and shattered into pieces. I had tried so hard to be a good friend, to encourage and be there and this was what I got. Mind you, this was simply the straw that broke the camels back. It had been Cody, Amanda, Edmund, Bekka, Natalie, moving, lack of money, lack of job, stress, depression, parents, it was everything finally boiling down into a huge pot of Meltdown Soup. I had been so good. I had kept everything in. And finally....release. When I could compose myself enough, which wasn't untill about and hour at least, I turned my car back on and continued driving. That was the end of the beginning of a new start.

So heres an update of me, I know its REALLY long but I took the time to write it so you should take the time to read it...

 

I spent the last 3 or so weeks in the Midwest. Its more fun that you would actually think when you have friends and family that all think the world of you. The first week was rather hell as I spent it locked up in a house with my family. For some reason we were all at each other constantly the whole time. I was pissed off, frustrated, hurt, and so on for the whole first week and I decided that I wanted to start looking for a place as soon as we got home. Well on friday we drove to a small town called Tyndall, South Dakota where my grandma and grandpas 50th Anniversary party was to take place. We checked into a very small motel and headed to the bar where the party was supposed to be happening. We were introduced to the bartender, who everyone loved but to me just seemed like a big scary guy, and then were led into the back room where the party was to be held. As we decorated, all sorts of drinks were brought in from the bar and so when no one was looking I tried about everyone's. :) One of my aunts offered me a drink and of course, if you know me at all, my answer was yes. So she ordered me a Fuzzy Navel: O.J. and peach schnopps. YUM. So I drank that and then my other aunts "Jack and Coke" was getting all watery and I didnt think she was coming back for it so I downed that aswell. :) After that I didnt really feel anything so I went outside and sat in the ally on the curb because I was totally ready to go. Well a few minutes later a couple younger guys came out of the bar and did a double take. "What the hell are you doing out here!?!?" He said, obviously surprised. The way his eyes bugged out of his head made me think that he'd never seen a girl before. "Im just chillin....TOTALLY ready to leave!" I said. And so we exchanged words about my grandparents party and where I was from and whatnot. "It's not every day you see a drop dead gorgeous girl sitting outside a bar in Tydnall, ya know? I figured you werent from around here." "Yeah I figured thats what that look was when you came out." I said with a smile. "We were just leaving but you should come inside, I'll buy you a drink." "Well Im not 21 and my parents are in the other room, Im pretty sure I would be dead..." I replied. "You must not know how things work around here then." He said as he took my hand and helped me up off the curb and led me inside. "OK! ONE drink! But if my parents catch me Im in deep trouble." I said as I remembered my own life motto: "You only live once!!" And so we went inside and the bartender prepared a drink for the three of us: Red Bull and a shot of something that I had no idea what it was. We "one, two, three-ed" and dropped the shot into another, larger cup with Red Bull in it and chugged it down. Of course I was the last one to finish which made me look like a silly California girl. There went all that talk about how since I was from Cali I knew how to drink. Yeah I lied, cause I figured they would get in their crappy truck and drive away so I never had to see them again...yeah well it didnt work like that. Oh and I just realized that my parents know nothing about this so mom if your reading this...uh, Im sorry and we can talk later if you want... :) Well anyways it was tons of fun and I said thank you and was getting off the barstool to leave when the bartender said: "Hey want to see a magic trick?" "YAY! I love magic tricks!" I said. And so he began the trick, I memorized my card and as he flipped them over one by one, face up, he passed my card by a few other cards and stopped: "Ok, well heres the deal, the next card I flip over is yours, if it isnt you can leave but if I'm right you have to take a shot of whatever I want and a shot of whatever Roach wants." (which apparently was the nickname given to the guy sitting next to me who pulled me off the street. Apparently they were regulars and had both just turned 21 so...you know how that all goes...) "I'm not taking any more shots but whatever do your little trick...you got it wrong anyways..." I said and so he went back a few cards and flipped mine over. "Crap" I said. "Im not taking anything else..." and while the words came out of my mouth he poured both the shots and set them in front of me. Oh great, now I felt obligated, and I felt it would be rude to get up and leave them there so I looked around and took both of them with everyone watching. I tried to maintain myself as I wanted to hack and cough and yell out: "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!?" But I got over it and was all good. Somehow two more shots ended up being poured for me and as I took the last one my dad walked in and asked if I was ready to go. *whew* he didnt see. "Yup" I said as I stumbled off the barstoll. with a huge smile. "It was nice meeting all of you!" I said rather loudly... and so Roach and I exchanged numbers and I went on my way. I hopped in the van with my parents and struggled to keep my mouth shut because, even in my state of mind, I knew if I opened it I would give myself away by saying something totally dumb. Well I survived the rest of the night and my parents never had a clue. Its kinda nice when you already act drunk when your sober so when you really are drunk, no one knows. :) And so the next day was the party and I hung out at the bar almost the whole day because I had countless old people I didnt know pinching my cheeks and saying: "OH LOOK AT SPORTY'S LITTLE GIRL!! Shes so cute!!" and blah blah blah!! So the bartender and I became friends and he showed my dozens of amazing magic tricks I have never seen before. Things that made my poor little brain go: "AHHHHH!!!" It turns out that he knew that I was underaged...one more reason why this bartender is the frekin BOMB! So my aunt bought me a couple more drinks and that was the end of that day. I survived it. Then we went back to Iowa, to our house, and a few days later packed up our stuff and went to my aunts house. Well I finally got a hold of my friend that I had been trying to call for days and we met up at the mall and totally hit it off all over again. I felt like she was the best friend I have been asking for, for so long. So when she dropped me off at my aunts my mom flirted with the airport guy and got him to change my ticket for free. I officially had 12 more days with her, and then I would fly back, all by myself (cause Im a big kid now) on the 6th of July. I stayed the last day with my family and then met up with Amanda and so started our...whatever you want to call it. I went to youth group with her that night and met her boyfriend whom she wasnt actually dating yet and tons of other people I used to know but lost touch with over the years. Marc Hanslip, Blake Sturges, Scott Moore, Sara and Joe Allan and thier little babies, and a few more. Well the days went by and we hung out with all our old friends almost everyday. And then things started to get wierd. I was texting Blake and she said something to me about how he raped some girl and then had sex with her sister just recently. Even though I didnt really know Blake at the time I had a hard time believing this, so I struggled with what the right thing to do was: ask him about it and deal with the consequences or just assume it was true and then be thinking something awful about him. So I asked him about it and so started the drama, Amanda read my texts and got mad that I said something and told Dorothy, the girl he supposedly did it with and everyone was up in a riot. Eventually it calmed down and the next day it started all over but this time it was becuase Amanda thought I was leading her friends on because I told Marc that I knew he liked me but if he ever found another girl he would have to tell me cause otherwise I would be jealous. Just because Im like that. I was just warning him but I admit that I probably shouldnt have said anything. After that everyday Amanda and I would be mad at each other about something and she was normally the one overreacting. She was always telling me that I didnt know how things worked in the big city and that I was going to get kidnapped and raped. Every single day.... every day she told me I was going to get kidnapped and raped even when I said "Hey, dont claim that!" Everyone kept telling me that it was ok, that I didnt do anything wrong when I would try to appologize about causeing problems. Then the very last day Marc and Amanda got in a argument because she was saying that her boyfriend, Lalo, was a good guy and very respectable, like Marc is. To which he freaked out and said he was nothing like Lalo because he actually respects girls unlike Lalo who still hasnt asked Amanda's dad if he can date her but yet they go through all the same "relationship motions". Which I also realized but never got the juevos to say anything to her because, of course, she was always right. But after the subject came up I asked her why she hangs out with him all the time and holds his hand and even makes out with him for an hour or more at a time but yet they aren't "dating". I said to her: "So basically Lala is waiting to ask your dad for the title, not to date you." And then she got really mad and started saying all sorts of stuff to me and using expletives about how I dont tell my parents EVERYTHING and blah blah blah. So then she went and told her mom that Marc cussed her out so her mother forbid her to hang out with him that evening which was my last day to see everyone. After that I was rather pissed because Marc is my friend and I wanted to say goodbye to him but because Amanda only told her HER side of the story and failed to mention that she cussed Marc out too I wanst aloud to see him. So he showed up at church and asked what we planned on doing after. And I already knew that he wasnt aloud to come with us so I said "I dont know, ask Amanda." So in front of everyone he asked: "What are we gonna do?" to which she replied "I don't know what I'M doing but your not doing anything with us..." and that was it. Now before I tell the rest of the story you have to get some of these people in your mind. Amanda is a small blonde haired chick, 17 years old, and weighs about 130 or so. Marc is a huge mexican gangster who beats people up if you look at him wrong, weighs about at least 200, black hair, tons of scars from fights, some crazy stories and just scary. I would NOT want to be on his bad side....ever. So that was it, he gave me a rough hug and said "Im sorry Ashley, I love you but I have to go..." He pulled off his shirt exposing his black wifebeater, and HUGE muscles, scars and all. And stormed off towards the highway. I felt my hand clenching into a fist and for the first time in my life I wanted to punch my best friend in the face. I literally had to turn away so I didnt. I was so pissed, I didnt understand how she could do this to me. How she KNEW it was my last day and I wasnt going to see him again and the last memory I had was of him walking off into nowhere, pissed as hell. And this whole thing happened at church in front of a bunch of other people and the person who ended up looking like the idiot wasn't Marc for storming off, it was Amanda for basically telling him to leave. I silently walked to the car and told Lalo, "How about you sit in the front this time?" as I got in the backseat. Every time Amanda and I rode together I was always in the front and Lalo was always in the back. The trip was silent. I called Blake to see if he was coming to BK with us and when I hung up Amanda yelled at me and accused me of telling him to go get Marc and bring him to BK, which was wierd because she was sitting right there when I talked to him. I was so sick of everything at this point, all the times she told me that our own friends were going to rape me if I rode with them, or all the times she freaked out about nothing, or all the times she contradicted herself, that I just sat in the backseat dumbfounded. I couldnt even move as she yelled at me in front of Lalo. "You have made the last two weeks hell for me! Your turning all my friends against me! You care more about your stupid boy toy that you do about me! You dont even care that he cussed me out and you still want to hang out with someone that called your best friend a effin biotch.Your just selfish, all you do is think about yourself and thats why everything has been effing HELL" (and Im editing here) You effin did this and you effin did that! blah blah blah. I just sat there. When she was done they went inside and I stayed in the car, still unable to move. I have never been so hurt, so pissed, and missed home so badly, or been yelled at by someone who I thought was my best friend. I didnt even know how to react. I started to cry and gripped the door handle so tightly I thought it was going to break off. I was so tempted to just open the door and walk to my aunts house. I even called my cousin to see if he would come pick me up but he didnt answer. The only problem was that all my stuff was at her house and she was the one taking me to the airport. Argh. After a few minutes she came back and got into the back seat with me and not even thinking about it, and only thinking about how pissed she made me I got out as she got in. I stood there for a moment as she said "What the hell are you doing? get back in..." so I did cause I can be pushed around like that. "What?" I asked. Silence. "What?!?" I asked again. Still silence. "WHAT??!?!" "What are you crying about?" "Whats there NOT to cry about?!? You just yelled at me in front of Lalo and reminded me of what an awful person I am and how Im oh-so selfish and blah blah blah..." I replied. and then she yelled at me for another 10 minutes untill Blake pulled up next to us and she yelled through the closed door "WE'LL BE IN IN A MINUTE! are you coming in?" she asked me. And ecen though this sounded like a question it was more like and order. "I'm going to go to the bathroom and I'll be in in a few." I whispered. So we walked inside and I ducked into the bathroom. I chose the farthest stall, slammed the door and locked it, slid down the wall right next to the toilet and wept. I dont remember the last time I cried so hard. I felt like my eyes and my brains were going to explode out my ears. I bawled for a long time, like 15 minutes before I could compose myself enough to at least sit out there. At that point I didnt want to see Amanda and if she talked to me I felt like I was going to burst out crying again. I emerged from the stall and there was a girl with a Burger King uniform on, changing the bathroom garbages. I appologized for how disgusting I looked and she asked me what happened and somewhere through my vulnerability I told her the story in a very shortened form and she sympathized with me. I came out of the bathroom with puffy, bloodshot eyes that looked like I had just smoked ALOT of weed, and sat silently at the table with Sara, Blake, Amanda, and Lalo. I didnt say a word but everyone tried to make the situation a little lighter by telling jokes and pushing each other around a bit. Even Amanda acted like everything was fine, even though I still sat there with teardrops leaking from my eyes even though I didnt want them to. We finally got back in the car and dropped Lalo off and even after everything she still insisted on making out with him behind the car for a half an hour while I waited, and still, silently cried. After we left Lalo's house she asked me why I was so quiet. All I said was "I think its easier for you to get over stuff and act like nothings wrong, than it is for me." And then I cried some more, and a bit more and then went to sleep without another word from either of us. In the morning we were going to meet Sara for coffee and when we got there, there in the coffee shop sat Megan, Amanda, Josiah, Blake, Sara and her girls and even Marc. Supposedly Marc and Amanda worked it out and she planned this whole going-away party for me. So that whole time everyone was on thier best behavior, I got to say real goodbyes to everyone, including Marc, and it was the perfect ending to my time in Sioux City, Iowa. After that we drove to Omaha, got some food, and I was dropped off at the airport with hugs and teary eyes, and that was it. My first flight was good, although I was stuck between 2 people I didnt know, and the second flight I was next to the window and this wierd guy. As I was sitting there I watched the people slowly fill the plane, and if you have ever flown you know what a mystery is it to watch everyone shuffle in and sit down, all the while your wondering whos going to sit by you. So I see this guy with a budweiser hat, a huge beard, about 23-ish, wearing wranglers and a t-shirt, with a fishing pole in hand, come on the plane. "Oh Lord," I silently prayed "Please not by me...." "I think thats my seat" he said as he pointed to the one next to me. I smiled and he sat down, and I suddenly got a whiff of beer. "You have GOT to be kidding me!!" I complained to myself. Well I kept my head turned to the window, with my ipod in my ears and the plane took off. It was one of the more bumpy take-offs I have ever experienced and so my body cringed up as I imagined the plane crashing and burning. Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder I looked over and he was pointing to a picture in one of those Sky Mall magazines. The picture was of a black guy playing a keyboard with 3 blond chicks surrounding him, and they were all laughing. I took my earbuds out and he was like: "What exactly is this selling?" I started laughing and after that we both just started making fun of the magazine, untill I realized that he was distracting me becuase he noticed that I was uneasy with the way the take-off was. I smiled to myself and for the rest of the trip we talked. He told me about this friend of his named Thuggy who is a well-known gangster and how he has killed so many people and how when he gets drunk he'll tell stories about how he's done people in and how he talked the police and judges out of making him go to prison and all this crazy stuff that had my attention for several hours. It was great. He gave me his number so I could get ahold of him because he said that Universal Studios made a short film on his friend and I said I totally wanted to see it. So then the plane landed and I drove home with my parents, the end. :)

Since I have been home I've been informed of certain unfortunate events to befall some of my close friends due to unwise choices and so I have really begun contemplating where I am in life. And how where I am affects my choices and my choices affect my life. And so this goes out to everyone: You guys this is the turning point in our lives. This is where we are finding out who we are going to be, and the choices we make affect the way we live and think for the rest of our lives. And so far I havnt seen anyone making the right choice, not even me. I don't know of anyone my age thats on the right track. Yeah the world is fun but we are losing ourselves! What happened to our morals? What happened to everything we have been learning in church since we were born? What happened to our youth group zeal and worship night fire? We're losing it. We're losing sight of everything thats truly important: our family, our true friends, the Lord... We are throwing everything away for some guy, or one more party, or one more cigarette. And I say this to everyone, even myself, we need to come back! Your boyfriend isn't always going to be there, your "friends" you party with arent your real friends, and cigarettes aren't going to make your problems go away. They are only going to kill you. And trust me, I know from experience. (unfortunatly) Everyone thinks they have thier whole lives to get things right but you never know what could happen tomorrow or the next day or even today. Life is too short to party it away and make bad choices. We need to come back! We need to heal relationships! We need to forgive and get over it already! We need to turn and repent! We are a chosen generation, we were called to do awesome things and we are on the wrong track. This is our lives, you guys, we only get one and before you know it, its over. I was 5 like yesterday, and now Im graduated and wondering whats the next step to take. We've lost ourselves and we need to get back. When I was gone I realized so much about my life, I got into some trouble, flirted with alot of guys, but now after that taste of life I realized that its not worth it to get sucked into the world. It'll eat you alive. We need to stay strong and be there for each other, and lift each other up. I think thats all I have to say about that.....

 

Peace out guys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really liked it so maybe you will too. :D

 

 

~Pandemic~

I've never seen so many smiling faces
and I'll admit
it took me by surprise
turning on the news
and hearing that the joy in the world doubled today
AGAIN
As nations sent each other love letters
Courtesy of Hallmark (tm)
and everybody signed
"You're the best!"
"Let's be friends. :)"
"HUGS! <(^_^<)"
Outside, the morning birds sing new songs to each other
And the worst traffic you've ever heard of
as people stop to shake hands
and ask with genuine concern
about how your day is
did the script sell?
Is your mother feeling better?
I guess it really is a new day
but everyone is secretly terrified
they might just wake up
at any moment.
>.<

So. Heres a nice story for you.




Saturday I went to Steven's for a bonfire. After we burned we went inside and I realized my pohne was missing.


so the next day I went over again and looked for it all over. I knew worst case senario it would have fell out of my pocket into hte fire and be burned to hell but I didnt think I was that unlucky.

NOT.

I kept asking Jesus to show me where it was, but I still kept looking everywhere. Inside outside, everywhere I had been. I looked in the fire pit and didnt find it.

Whew.

So I kept looking and looking and I felt like I should check the fire again, so I grabbed a stick and poked until I found a big chunk of something. Which was strange because all we burned was carboard.

My heart dropped into my legs. "Oh God, no.
"
I flipped whatever it was over and saw the familiar zebra striped cover.

In a daze I pulled it out of the rubble.

I couldn't even breathe, how could I be so damn unlucky?

So I brought it inside and held it up for all to see, trying with all my might not to cry in front of all these guys. FAIL.

Tear by tear they began to fall and all the guys could say was: "Oh sorry, one day you'll laugh about this though." And all I really wanted was a hug which i never got. But their guys so I guess its ok. I really wanted to just burst into tears so I went outside and sobbed.


So long story short, I need phone numbers.
Please everyone, send me your numbers!!!

Oh, last things,
1). pics will be up soon, because from what I heard its hilarious. Unfortunatly I have yet to find the hilarity of it all.

2). My theory of what happened was I was wearing a plaid jacket with a poket in the front, and I put my phone in the pocket. I bent over a giant box to get things out of it and I think when I did my phone slipped out into the box. When we were all done and all we had left was the giant box, Steven tipped it upside down over the fire, and there my phone went into hell.
:(

And this is all on top of one of the shattyest weeks I have had in a LONG time so yeah. Im pretty much messed up.